An Intercontinental Guide on Relationships & Goals

Black women are still the least likely group to travel or move abroad, according to the Pew Research Center. This means most Black women miss out on the mental and emotional benefits scientifically proven to happen while traveling. 

On TikTok, the trending frontal lobe development videos focus on how women’s relationships with men and friends change as they mature but barely mention how new experiences in different countries could also impact their #growth.

What are three lessons on relationships and mental health that Black women could learn, based on the experiences of a Black woman who lived on three continents?

Dating: Set Standards and Accept Their Costs

A common misconception is that someone can move abroad and Google Translate their way into a romantic rendezvous with a handsome stranger. Women admitted to this in interviews with the Wall Street Journal. On top of that, they admitted that they thought assimilating into the culture would be easy, or that being from a specific country (i.e. America) would make natives eager to assimilate to their dating norms.

The truth is, cultural habits die hard. Traditions remain important to people, despite how quickly international trends and ideas spread across social media and the Internet. So it’s important to adjust expectations about the “right” way to find a partner as a foreigner.

In Europe, most Spanish men refuse to pay the full bill for first dates. In Africa, Kenyan men rarely approach women directly to invite them to dinner or immediately show romantic interest. And in Asia, the opinion of family members in Japanese or Korean culture may decide how long a relationship lasts.

Living abroad and experiencing these differences force women to ask themselves what compromises they’re willing to make to connect with others. They’ll have to decide whether spending the rest of their lives adapting to a new way of life outweighs living in their comfort zone. 

However, choosing one or the other won’t lead to specific results. Offering to go 50/50 on the first few dates with Spanish men won’t guarantee a marriage proposal down the line. Making the first move with a Kenyan man might come across as aggressive and alienate women who take that chance.

Ultimately, maturity looks like enjoying relationships on a day-to-day basis, expecting the least in the present but being open to a pleasant surprise in the future.

Friendships: The More the Merrier

Sadly, science confirms the stereotype that women's friendships are more hostile than plutonic male relationships. Danielle Bayard Jackson, the “Friendship Expert”, explains that women experience more friendship breakups because “women form intimate relationships” at a higher rate than men and “more depth [in relationships] leads to more endings.”

Ironically, women lose more friends because they make more friends in meaningful ways. This may suggest that moving away from established family and friends to make new ones abroad is the worst decision a woman could make.

However, so much research on study abroad programs, gap years for young people, and the effects of travel on adult cognition shows that moving/traveling to a new country increases empathy for others. With the right attitude about friendship expectations, living internationally increases women’s maturity in handling relationships with their peers.

Widening the network of who and where your friends are is also insurance against the inevitable connections lost due to conflicts, life changes, or distance. 

This is most feasible living in Europe, where it’s cheap and easy to travel through 29 countries to meet new people. In Africa, the interconnectivity is less likely, except for when traveling within regional areas (like the East African Community) or countries with the easiest border controls. Similarly, Asian interconnectivity depends on which region of the continent and the border agreements countries have with one another.

Ultimately, maturity looks like being open and friendly to as many people in as many places as possible, with a genuine interest in investing attention and effort into cultivating relationships regardless of how long they may last.

Goals: Sometimes Settle for Less

Housing, healthcare, and happiness are the three main reasons given for expats leaving their home countries. They believe a better quality of life is more attainable internationally, especially in Europe, but increasingly in specific countries in Africa and Asia.

Of course, countries have different levels of infrastructure and amenities. Expats may need to sacrifice one “must-have” for every other benefit a new country has to offer. 

Traveling through countries with paved and unpaved roads, with access to none or all international brands (e.g. Starbucks, McDonald’s), and limited or abundantly available renovated rentals exposes you to the various options you’re comfortable living with.

Do not take for granted that there are more or fewer options available based on the type of people in the region you’re traveling to. Italy, Ethiopia and Portugal have more in common (in terms of limited options) than Vietnam, Ghana, and Austria (where more options exist).

Ultimately, maturity looks like making a list of your non-negotiable goals, thoroughly researching prospective destinations (online and by speaking with those who live there), and making a final decision about what you’re giving up to level up in other ways.